Wow, I can hardly believe the last time I wrote on here was well over a year ago. So much has happened. And yet, so little at the same time.
In the last post I mentioned feeling like I was struggling with life not progressing as I thought it should and would. That remains true to this day.
For the last 2 and a 1/2 years we've been trying to grow our family. It hasn't happened. And it's been hard. So very very hard. Infertility is a confusing road to walk. There are so many twists and turns, options and possibilities and of course, unlimited hope for the future; for each month there is a chance that something could change, something may finally happen. It is a continual heart break. A wound that reopens every month, only deeper than the month before. It tears at your heart, your strength, your faith, your relationship and everything about you. It is what I have been living, mostly quietly, for a very long time. It is hard for me to open up about it. Not because I don't' want to have support, or talk about it, because I really do. But because I have no answers. Because the road and choices change so frequently, and yet the result hasn't changed yet and it is hard to always give bad news. It's also hard to feel broken. And I fear the chance at being judged for our choices in this situation. Like I said before there are so many options and possibilities and that may sound like a great thing but in this situation it can be so daunting to face. To try, so earnestly, to find the right path for you and your family. The last month in particular has been challenging in this way.
After 2 failed treatments and quite a bit of money spent we are faced with what we can do next. I was frantically chasing down paths, and knocking on doors of possibilities. Adoption, foster care, embryo adoption, egg sharing, being done. I have spent this last month going back and forth between all of these roads trying to find the one we're supposed to travel. Nothing has settled. Nothing has felt right. We haven't received that inspiration for the next step. Until a couple of weeks ago.
A dear friend of mine told me about a race she heard about called Footsteps for Fertility. They put on 5ks and then offer grants to couples who need advanced fertility treatments in order to conceive. Hmm. That sounded interesting. I thought about it for a little while and then brought it up with Thomas. We looked at their website. We could apply for a grant, then sign up to race and even have a team race with us. People who are willing to help us with the chance of winning a grant. You can run, walk or even "sleep in" and not be there that day (but still give us another "in") and be on our team.
And you know, I have no idea if we will even win. But you know what? Someone will. Someone will win that day, whether it's us or another couple. Someone's hopes will be lifted that day and that is a great thing. So we thought, what the heck? We're going to do this. If it's us, that would be wonderful. If it's someone else, well, I'll be glad for them.
From the time I was a child all I wanted was to be around kids. When I worked- I worked with kids. When I got married and it was time to have my own kids, I was ready, I was so excited to get to start that phase in life. And then we lost Cali. And it hurt so badly. I had my foot in the "mommy/parenting" door and then it was slammed closed. Then Summer joined us. And she healed so many hurts in my heart. She became a light in our lives. She gave me a chance to be a mom. She gave me a chance to use my "mother heart", to watch a child grow and learn. And now, 4 years after her birth, all I want is another one. A child to love, to complete our family. To be a brother or sister to Summer. To be a mother to another beautiful soul.
If you would like to help us. Please follow the link below to the registration page. If you have any questions, I'm pretty open about it. So comment or email and we can talk about it. Thanks for reading. I really appreciate it.
Our team name is Orrock