Friday, March 15, 2013

The hardest day of every month

I've had this post in my head for a while now, I just wasn't sure if I wanted to share it or not. Well, enough time has past and the title remains true so I figured, why not?

It took almost a year and a half to get pregnant with Cali. It was hard waiting for her to come to our family. I have always loved children, especially babies. In fact one of my best friends in high school would joke and say I was going to have a huge family because when one baby would grow up I'd have to have another just so I could keep having a baby around. I used to laugh and say no way. But now I see it's true.

I got married when I was 23. That is "old" in my mormon culture. I didn't get pregnant for the first time until I was 25, again "old" and then I didn't have a baby that I could take home from the hospital until I was a few weeks from being 27.

I am now a "few" months away from being 30 and it's just me and Summer kickin it together. And I thought I'd be done by 30! HA!

Now, I absolutely LOVE my time with my Summer girl. She makes me happier than I ever could have imagined! I actually LOVE that I don't have a newborn right now. I remember how hard the lack of sleep was for me and I don't miss it. I don't mind not having to cart 2 kids around while trying to get groceries or go out on a walk etc. I LOVE this time with Summer, with 1 sweet child to love and care for and give all my attention to.

But I want a baby! I want to be pregnant again. And (crazy as it sounds to some)  I want to give birth again! I know how very fortunate I am to have Summer. I, better than many, know well the fear, disappointments and loss that surround becoming a mother. I have friends and family who have never experienced giving birth and I am sensitive to their own feelings of loss. Feelings that we all have in some way in life.

We all have wants and desires that aren't met when we want them to (or ever in many cases). I am in the middle of one now. I want a baby and it's not happening.

Like I said it took a while with Cali so this waiting isn't new, but it's still scary. Thomas is certain that we'll have more, I wish I could be too. But every month that day comes around that breaks my heart and for that day shatters my dream. And it's a hard day. It's a day that I usually stay inside, stay quiet and tell myself over and over again all the wonderful things I have in my life until I finally look at Summer, or get a big hug from Thomas and open my eyes are see that it is really true. I have so much. But on that day, every month, it is so hard to see through the loss and disappointment.

And I don't know why, maybe it's because Cali was just a newborn when she passed away but my feelings of loss, disappointment and fear of unrealized dreams on that one day every month often turn me back to her. Back to missing her terribly, back to wishing she were still here. Because if she were here Summer would have a sister, a playmate, and I would feel more complete. My days would be busier. And it is so very hard to have those feelings of grief and anger at losing her on top of the disappointment of another "failed attempt".

I try really hard to listen to some wise counsel I received as a teenager "Wherever you are be there" to not be wasting where you are in life now because you want to be in the next stage. This is where I am in life.  I AM a mother, something I had wanted for so long, so I need to enjoy being a mother to 1 and all the sweetness that it gives me.

And so it is every month. The anticipation, the hope, and then the loss, the anger, the let down. The realization that I have so little control over my life.

And then life goes on, back to normal. Back to my sweet (small) loving family. Back to enjoying all the time I do have to do projects and to admire my sweet Summer, and to enjoy my husband and plan trips and do all the things that would be harder to do with 2 littles.

 And I am happy. But on that day, life is just plain hard.


Lisa said...

I am totally in the same boat right now. We've been trying for awhile now, and still nothing. It seems like EVERYONE in my ward is pregnant. I am ALSO glad I don't have a newborn, but I want my kids to be close together, not quite this far apart. I guess it's all in God's hands. It's still hard to be patient. If you need someone to commiserate with, just call. We can go get ice cream and complain to each other or something.

Michelle said...

It is true that you've got much, but I believe it is okay to grieve for the loss you experience without feeling like you should just be grateful for what you have. I can't understand that kind loss but I love you and hope your dreams are realized soon.

Aimee said...

I know every situation is so different, but I know the pain of hope and loss and waiting. It's so hard to fully express that pain. Thank you for your honest post. I feel like now days more than ever, we all need each other as sisters to buoy one another up. It took us from 2006-2010 to have Hadley and I had so many similar internal discussions. Just make sure I'm enjoying her but longing for a fuller family. I will keep you in my prayers!! You are an amazing mother and Summer is so very lucky. Hang in there and hopefully your dreams will be realized without too much more waiting.

Aubrey said...

I'm so sorry that you are going through this hard time right now. There are so many difficult things in life. The scripture that I keep going back to is D&C 101:16 "Be still and know that I am God." I can't tell you how many times I've said it to myself these last few weeks. I hope that it helps you as much as it helps me. I'll be praying for you. I'd love to have you and Summer over to play and have lunch soon.

Kayz said...

I think every time we experience something that was unexpected (time frame or not), it is like we experience the 5 stages of grief. Sometimes faster than others, but other times it seems like the stages drag on. I got married a month and a half before I turned 33. I get waiting for marriage, motherhood, etc. I have only one at the moment and thought I'd have 8 or 10. But, my MS has been bad since I got preggo with her. I wonder if I can only have 1. It's hard not being able to hold your baby and her getting frustrated when you both want to. Grief. I liked your comments about being present. In the end, it is okay to be sad and grieve. But, as long as we don't stay in that stage, always turning to Christ, it will all be okay. =) Kali