Sunday, August 22, 2010

Cali's birthday is in 2 weeks

I just doubled check the calendar to make sure that was right! Hard to believe that 2 weeks from now will be Cali's 1st first birthday. This marker of time truly hurts my heart as I would give just about anything to be able to have a little birthday celebration for my little girl. Instead I've been coming up with other ideas of how to make her day special to us. So this is what I've come up with...

I would like to do a balloon release. This is quite common among those who have lost children. Basically what you do is purchase a helium balloon, write a message to Cali on the balloon (if you'd like) and send it up to Heaven.



Now because we are not in Utah, and many of the family and friends that I would normally invite to share this day with us won't be here in Texas I ask that you would all individually in your families release a balloon to Cali and then email me pictures of the event, that way I can compile pictures of all those who included themselves in celebrating Cali with us. I know you can get helium balloons at dollar tree for just $1. And I do know that Cali's birthday (Sept 5th) is on a Sunday, so it would require a day early to stop by and get a balloon, but please try to do so. Thank you for supporting us.

Today has been a hard day. Last week I had a couple hard days. With baby # 2 due any day now I am struggling. I wish so bad that I could have Cali with me. I miss her terribly and although I know that she is in a better place I am left here in this imperfect place with a hole in my heart. And I am so scared of having # 2 and "moving on" beyond Cali. I know that is part of life and part of the whole situation surrounding losing your first baby, but it is not easy. Welcoming # 2 will be the most clear, defined, life altering step in my little family's "moving on." As right as I know it is to continue living and doing the things that we'd always wanted, it hurts so bad to know that this choice leaves Cali behind. I will become a mom to this little baby in a way that I wasn't able to be to Cali. We will do more, have more and experience more with # 2- things that Cali should be here for, things that I should have had with her. How do I live and love and move forward without losing her again? This I know will be a life long pursuit in our family- to include all our children. But, I am grateful for the knowledge that I have of where she is. She is a beautiful woman doing God's work, is there anything that a mother could be more proud of? I love her, I miss her, I hope to live up to her standard, and I hope to be the mom to # 2 that I have dreamed of being to my sweet Cali.


Also I will be planning a get together here in San Antonio, if any of my friends here would like to be a part of it, just let me know!

8 comments:

The Mathews Family said...

Of course! We would be so happy and feel blessed to release balloons on your precious Angel's birthday. Hugs to you Adrienne and Thomas. Good luck with your upcoming arrival. We'll pray for much comfort to come. :o)
-Jessica

Cali's Mom said...

Thanks Jess! I'm going to talk with Thomas' parents tonight to see about arranging a get together up at East Lawn that day, I'll keep you posted!

Melissa said...

Adrienne,
Cali is so lucky to have such a great family. It is strange to feel like you are "moving on", but Cali is moving on with you. She is always part of you and your family. Such wonderful plans to celebrate her birthday!

m.dahl said...

I like Melissa's comment that Cali is moving on with you! I know she loves her little sister and is excited for her family to grow as well. We will definitely send Cali a message on her birthday and we may even be down that way since it is Labor Day weekend. I will let you know. Thinking of you and wishing you the best these next few weeks!

nennermommy said...

I will be getting my balloons :) xoxoxo

jlbunting.com said...

Cali and her little sister are so lucky to have you as their mom. I admire you so much. Good luck with your delivery and I'm glad your new baby will be able to celebrate Cali's first birthday with you!

Stan and Jenn said...

What a great idea! What a bitter sweet time for you right now. I am sure you will be able to find a great balance in "moving on" and also still being able to hang on to Cali. You are an amazing person. I have no doubt that you will be great at being a mom to this baby as you were before with Cali :) Best of luck!

Michelle said...

I would love to participate, that would be a wonderful thing to do!