I just doubled check the calendar to make sure that was right! Hard to believe that 2 weeks from now will be Cali's 1st first birthday. This marker of time truly hurts my heart as I would give just about anything to be able to have a little birthday celebration for my little girl. Instead I've been coming up with other ideas of how to make her day special to us. So this is what I've come up with...
I would like to do a balloon release. This is quite common among those who have lost children. Basically what you do is purchase a helium balloon, write a message to Cali on the balloon (if you'd like) and send it up to Heaven.
Now because we are not in Utah, and many of the family and friends that I would normally invite to share this day with us won't be here in Texas I ask that you would all individually in your families release a balloon to Cali and then email me pictures of the event, that way I can compile pictures of all those who included themselves in celebrating Cali with us. I know you can get helium balloons at dollar tree for just $1. And I do know that Cali's birthday (Sept 5th) is on a Sunday, so it would require a day early to stop by and get a balloon, but please try to do so. Thank you for supporting us.
Today has been a hard day. Last week I had a couple hard days. With baby # 2 due any day now I am struggling. I wish so bad that I could have Cali with me. I miss her terribly and although I know that she is in a better place I am left here in this imperfect place with a hole in my heart. And I am so scared of having # 2 and "moving on" beyond Cali. I know that is part of life and part of the whole situation surrounding losing your first baby, but it is not easy. Welcoming # 2 will be the most clear, defined, life altering step in my little family's "moving on." As right as I know it is to continue living and doing the things that we'd always wanted, it hurts so bad to know that this choice leaves Cali behind. I will become a mom to this little baby in a way that I wasn't able to be to Cali. We will do more, have more and experience more with # 2- things that Cali should be here for, things that I should have had with her. How do I live and love and move forward without losing her again? This I know will be a life long pursuit in our family- to include all our children. But, I am grateful for the knowledge that I have of where she is. She is a beautiful woman doing God's work, is there anything that a mother could be more proud of? I love her, I miss her, I hope to live up to her standard, and I hope to be the mom to # 2 that I have dreamed of being to my sweet Cali.
Also I will be planning a get together here in San Antonio, if any of my friends here would like to be a part of it, just let me know!