When 2009 began I was on top of the world. Thomas and I had just found out we were pregnant! We found out the night before our 2nd anniversary, while in Michigan visiting my family! It was the best present ever! Life was turning out great. We returned to our home in Southern California...where we loved living, and Thomas returned to a great job at a great company that he loved. We really had it all. And I really felt like my life was put together! In March we even started looking for a home. And then in April things began to change, and by the end of the year we lost each one of those things.
At 4months pregnant we found out about Cali's heart. At 7 months pregnant (June) Thomas was laid off. At 8 months pregnant we packed up all our stuff and left our happy lives. And at 1 week after birth we lost Cali.
Can you really imagine that? All that in a matter of months? We lived that. We lived through losing our main source of income only months before expecting a special needs child. We lived through packing and moving out of state and the uncertainty of how and where when I was just a month away from having Cali. And then after the most beautiful experience of my life, giving birth to my first child, welcoming her and living the longest, most difficult week and trying everything just to be with her, we lost her. That was our year. That was our 2009. Can you really believe it? Sometimes I really can't.
And yet here I am. We have a wonderful home to live in. Thomas has another job to care for us. Cali is buried with her great-grandfather so close that I can see up to her (the cemetery) when I walk Ellie. I love that. I love that I can look up there and know that in some way she is looking back at me. I have a beautiful angel who will forever be with me. And the best thing? I have hope. I have the hope and knowledge that I can be with her again. And that, that is what makes everything that I have been through this year OK. It's what causes me to cry tears of joy almost as much as I cry tears of pain. It is what I now live my life for. For my daughter, my husband and our future children. So that we can all be together.
When I think about what I have lived through this past year it floors me. I NEVER in my WILDEST dreams would have ever thought at the beginning of '09 I would be where I am now...living @ Thomas' parent's apartment, having given birth to my baby but being without her now . But expecting it or not, it's what happened, and I am living through it all. I am still here. So here I am at the beginning of a new year. I feel quite opposite to how I felt at the beginning of last year (I couldn't be more "under" the world). But I am here. And with my awkward steps I'll make it through. And I'll make it the best that I can. I'm a survivor. That's how I feel. So here's to learning, and living, and sometimes just surviving. I know in time I'll get back on top of my mountain. Good luck to you with yours :) Hope 20-10 is good to us all :)