Monday, January 4, 2010

2009: I'm a survivor :)

So last year I did a "Top 8 of 08" post on how I felt our year went. At that time I had planned on doing one every year. It's been on my mind since the end of last year until now. I don't think I can do a "Top 9 of 09" It wasn't a year that could be summed up that way. So this is what I've come up with....

When 2009 began I was on top of the world. Thomas and I had just found out we were pregnant! We found out the night before our 2nd anniversary, while in Michigan visiting my family! It was the best present ever! Life was turning out great. We returned to our home in Southern California...where we loved living, and Thomas returned to a great job at a great company that he loved. We really had it all. And I really felt like my life was put together! In March we even started looking for a home. And then in April things began to change, and by the end of the year we lost each one of those things.

At 4months pregnant we found out about Cali's heart. At 7 months pregnant (June) Thomas was laid off. At 8 months pregnant we packed up all our stuff and left our happy lives. And at 1 week after birth we lost Cali.

Can you really imagine that? All that in a matter of months? We lived that. We lived through losing our main source of income only months before expecting a special needs child. We lived through packing and moving out of state and the uncertainty of how and where when I was just a month away from having Cali. And then after the most beautiful experience of my life, giving birth to my first child, welcoming her and living the longest, most difficult week and trying everything just to be with her, we lost her. That was our year. That was our 2009. Can you really believe it? Sometimes I really can't.

And yet here I am. We have a wonderful home to live in. Thomas has another job to care for us. Cali is buried with her great-grandfather so close that I can see up to her (the cemetery) when I walk Ellie. I love that. I love that I can look up there and know that in some way she is looking back at me. I have a beautiful angel who will forever be with me. And the best thing? I have hope. I have the hope and knowledge that I can be with her again. And that, that is what makes everything that I have been through this year OK. It's what causes me to cry tears of joy almost as much as I cry tears of pain. It is what I now live my life for. For my daughter, my husband and our future children. So that we can all be together.

When I think about what I have lived through this past year it floors me. I NEVER in my WILDEST dreams would have ever thought at the beginning of '09 I would be where I am now...living @ Thomas' parent's apartment, having given birth to my baby but being without her now . But expecting it or not, it's what happened, and I am living through it all. I am still here. So here I am at the beginning of a new year. I feel quite opposite to how I felt at the beginning of last year (I couldn't be more "under" the world). But I am here. And with my awkward steps I'll make it through. And I'll make it the best that I can. I'm a survivor. That's how I feel. So here's to learning, and living, and sometimes just surviving. I know in time I'll get back on top of my mountain. Good luck to you with yours :) Hope 20-10 is good to us all :)

10 comments:

Wetzel said...

I CAN'T believe all that you've been through last year. When you put it all together like that it sounds unbelievable. But, on the flip side, this year can only be better, right?

I love you and my bro, and I'd do anything for you two. Be good to each other.

michelle said...

It really goes to show that the human spirit is unconquerable...even if it means going through times when you are just surviving. You are amazing Adrienne and I know there will be a lot of happiness in your future.

Diana said...

It seems incredible to sum up such a year. Thanks for sharing your perspective of hope on such a trying time.

The Mathews Family said...

I feel like such a broken record... but you continue to inspire me so much. To read your year summed up it really does seem like too much for two people to have to go through. I'm so glad that you have each other to lean on in this. Please know that I am always ready and able to help out with what I can. We love you!
-Jessica

shay said...

wow girl! that is so much to have survived through. you have done it all so gracefully and i admire every "awkward" step you've taken. our prayers are still with you and eep up the good progress!

Jackie said...

You are a survivor!

Alyssa/Jo said...

Thank you for that. You put everything in perspective.

Kayz said...

(sorry---combined it here, deleted up there)...

That is a ton to deal with in a short amount of time. Hearing you recap it like that made me think of my Dad. My parents early on had some problems and then my Dad lost his job to top it off (after they'd had to leave Spokane b/c of no work as well...found work in the same town as his parents, but had no work after a while). Because of that time, he ended up spending it with my grandma and grandpa (his parents) quite a bit more. Within a few months, my grandpa died (at 53) of a heart attack and my Dad realized that he wouldn't have had that time with his Dad if he'd been working. Earlier my Dad couldn't understand the loss of work, and yet a negative experience (no income, and us living off food storage and barely surviving in a 2 bdrm trailer) turned out to be something positive. I wonder about Thomas having that time to be with you and having you with your family...if it would have been harder to deal with if he was at work and you were in your place in California alone. NOT that it takes away the MISERABLE pain you've had to endure and the heart ache of losing so much in such a short amount of time, but it made me think of our family a bit.

I am sorry this year was so hard on you and Thomas!!!! I am glad that hope has been restored, even if it's in small doses here and there or a large dose at moments too (yay). You're awesome and it helps to read about other people conquering their mountains and looking forward with hope. =) A-M-A-Z-I-N-G!!! =) <3

I hope 20-10 is wonderful for u2 and let's be honest...it has to go UP-UP-UP, right? =) You rock, girlie!!

Other Mother said...

I love you both so much.

Nicole said...

Ady - you are a survivor, and you have a wonderful husband who loves you infinitely. It's sometimes hard to understand why we are given the trials we face in our lives. I wonder why I've personally dealt with so many health and financial struggles recently. But I can't imagine losing my daughter. Heavenly Father loves you a lot to have given you that precious week with Cali.

I think of you often. Don't hesitate to call if you need a friend.