Friday, October 2, 2009

I prefer to laugh...wise words.

It's been a really hard week for me (I've probably felt the worst this week emotionally than any other so far). I think it's because I'm thinking about "what's next?" And I really don't have an answer to that difficult question, and most often I don't even want to admit to myself that that question exists, or needs to exist. But, alas, I am that type of person who is constantly thinking about what I'm doing/ what I should be doing/where my life is headed...you get the picture. So now after having a few pretty hard days in a row struggling with feeling sorry for myself and other pretty sad emotions, I was reading a friend's blog about her struggles with infertility and I remembered something.

Thomas and I had tried to have a baby for over a year and a 1/2 before I got pregnant with Cali. During that time I wondered if we would ever get pregnant, I wondered if there was something wrong, I cried about it and worried over it a lot. Then when we got pregnant I realized all the time I had wasted fretting, and worrying about having a baby and it was all for nothing.

When I realized this I promised myself that I would learn from that experience to not waste time dwelling on what I think are problems and instead focus on what is good about that particular situation. IE looking back I could see all the chances we had to be spontaneous, and carefree and I instead chose to be bummed out or whatever.


Well, I have remembered. While reading that blog tonight I remembered that realization and I have decided to prove to myself that I DID learn my lesson the first time around. I remembered that I don't want to have the experience (again) of looking back and regretting how I spent my time. I don't want to waste the time I have now waiting for the future, waiting for happiness. So I am going to take steps towards my new future, whatever that may be, with a new thought in mind. It comes from Marjorie Hinckley,

"The only way to get through life is to laugh. You either have to laugh or cry. I choose to laugh. Crying gives me a headache."

I too get a headache (and puffy eyes!) when I cry too much. I know that it is still OK to cry (and I know that I WILL cry and probably a lot yet!) but I don't want to look back and think, "Man, I wish I had done more during that time than sleep!" I want to give life a fair chance. I don't want to let it pass me by feeling sorry for myself.

I lost Cali (for now). I can't change that (even though I've already wished for it a million times over). So, what do I do with what's left of me? I know that I would have wanted Cali to be proud of me, of her mom, so why should that change now? I'll do what I can so she can be proud of me when we meet again.

So that is my new goal. Wish me luck as I know it won't be easy. But I truly want to be a happy person, and I do believe that a big part of that comes from the inside, not the outside (or what happens to you).

15 comments:

michelle said...

I love reading your blog and I think you are amazing. You inspire me.

Michael said...

I agree! You are so incredible. That is such a great lesson to learn now at an early age because heartache is inevitable in all of our lives, and if we could just overcome our feelings as "the natural man" and choose to be happy, how much richer our lives will be!

joelle said...

^That was my comment :) -Joelle
I love you guys!

nennermommy said...

Now I am crying for you... I am so sorry for your hard week! I so wish I could take your pain away!
I know Cali is so proud of you, we are all very proud of you. This is a difficult time and you are amazing for just taking another breath. I honestly dont know if I could it . I would defiantly be calling you for help.

I am really amazed that through this painful time you can see that you can be happy( its got to be hard). When ever I talk to you I hear how amazing you are , you two are inspirations to me. XOXOXO

The Mathews Family said...

You continue to be such an inspiration Adrienne. We love you.
-J

carolyn q said...

Just want you to know I am thinking of you knowing that this can seem so unbearable at times.
I think trying to laugh is much harder when it's human nature to cry. . .so GOOD for you. You amaze me.
(HUGS)

Angela said...

Blessings to you!

Stan and Jenn Nicolaysen said...

You are such a good example to me! I envy your strength and determination. I put your name in the temple yesterday. Just know that you have alot of faithful saints praying for your healing! :)

Kayz said...

SO powerful and inspiring!! I've wasted a ton of time feeling bad that I'm not a wife or mother and have such crazy health problems to go through on my own, but this helped me recenter today. I can't imagine what you're going through, but can appreciate your incredible perspective. Thanks for the real post!! Love ya! Kali

The Standrings said...

adrienne- seriously i admire your attitude. i cannot imagine what you are feeling right now. all i know is, you are a better person than i. you're amazing.

Jennifer said...

Adrienne-
My name is Jenni Hawkins, Iam a good friend of Bill and Kim's. I have been following your blog and wondered if I could have your address to send you a poem. My e-mail address is: jenhawkins826@gmail.com My heart goes out to you and Thomas, I think you are amazing people!!!

Jennifer said...

ALso, have you read the book Gone Too Soon?

Janae Walker said...

you are a better person that i would be in your situation! tyson and i have been thinking about you guys a lot lately and wondering what we would do in your situation. the answer is....i just don't know. but, i do know that there are reasons for everything, even if we never understand why until much later down the road. you are so brave! thank you for your excellent example :)

Lee-Ann said...

I just had a kind of neat thought I wanted to share. Heavenly Father has promised those who lose thier little ones will have the opportunity to raise them in the millenium. Cali will be yours to raise. Maybe you could still learn about those things that she would be doing at her age if she were still here. As you study those things, you will be prepared for when you get to really teach her all of those things. Raising your little one is not lost - only delayed for a little while. I'm sorry the wait is so painful.

The Farrs said...

Adrienne,
You don't know me but I am a friend of your husband's. My heart went out to the two of you when I learned about your loss. I wish I had some wise words, but I don't. I just want you to know that you have both been in my thoughts and prayers. However, I can tell that you are very righteous and courageous. Time and love is what heals. It will come.