It's been a really hard week for me (I've probably felt the worst this week emotionally than any other so far). I think it's because I'm thinking about "what's next?" And I really don't have an answer to that difficult question, and most often I don't even want to admit to myself that that question exists, or needs to exist. But, alas, I am that type of person who is constantly thinking about what I'm doing/ what I should be doing/where my life is headed...you get the picture. So now after having a few pretty hard days in a row struggling with feeling sorry for myself and other pretty sad emotions, I was reading a friend's blog about her struggles with infertility and I remembered something.
Thomas and I had tried to have a baby for over a year and a 1/2 before I got pregnant with Cali. During that time I wondered if we would ever get pregnant, I wondered if there was something wrong, I cried about it and worried over it a lot. Then when we got pregnant I realized all the time I had wasted fretting, and worrying about having a baby and it was all for nothing.
When I realized this I promised myself that I would learn from that experience to not waste time dwelling on what I think are problems and instead focus on what is good about that particular situation. IE looking back I could see all the chances we had to be spontaneous, and carefree and I instead chose to be bummed out or whatever.
Well, I have remembered. While reading that blog tonight I remembered that realization and I have decided to prove to myself that I DID learn my lesson the first time around. I remembered that I don't want to have the experience (again) of looking back and regretting how I spent my time. I don't want to waste the time I have now waiting for the future, waiting for happiness. So I am going to take steps towards my new future, whatever that may be, with a new thought in mind. It comes from Marjorie Hinckley,
"The only way to get through life is to laugh. You either have to laugh or cry. I choose to laugh. Crying gives me a headache."
I too get a headache (and puffy eyes!) when I cry too much. I know that it is still OK to cry (and I know that I WILL cry and probably a lot yet!) but I don't want to look back and think, "Man, I wish I had done more during that time than sleep!" I want to give life a fair chance. I don't want to let it pass me by feeling sorry for myself.
I lost Cali (for now). I can't change that (even though I've already wished for it a million times over). So, what do I do with what's left of me? I know that I would have wanted Cali to be proud of me, of her mom, so why should that change now? I'll do what I can so she can be proud of me when we meet again.
So that is my new goal. Wish me luck as I know it won't be easy. But I truly want to be a happy person, and I do believe that a big part of that comes from the inside, not the outside (or what happens to you).