Friday, October 30, 2009

A broken heart on the mend

Well, it's been a while but life is progressing as I know it should. Thomas is doing well with work, and I am adjusting to life here in Utah, trying to figure out what my next step in life will be (oh and I'm open to ideas!) There are a few things coming up that I'm really looking forward to. The first is seeing my sister and her family tomorrow, heaven knows how much I love her kids, and they always make me smile! And then the first week of December is the Festival of Trees at the South Town Expo Center. I am SOOO excited for this! ALL the proceeds go towards Primary Children's Medical Center. If you're in the area consider going and taking your friends and/ or family with you. Tickets are pretty inexpensive (about $5) and it's quite a sight to see I hear. Oh and IHH is doing a tree, so you can look out for that too!

We're approaching 2 months since Cali was born. 2 Months! I can hardly believe that. Time has become such a foreign concept to me as it can feel so short and so long at the same time. I have learned and changed a lot with what has happened in my life. Somethings matter so much more than ever (family, faith, love, understanding, not judging yourself or others, service), and others have lost all meaning (time, worry over insignificant things, anger). Very interesting to experience. But I do believe that I am walking along the course I am meant to. And I do believe that I am making steps. They maybe slow, awkward, and small, but they are happening.

2 months ago I couldn't wait to "get this baby out of me!" I was up all night, I was hungry ALL the time, I was huge and uncomfortable. And then I wasn't, then my life became all about her life. I was up all day and night spending time with my little girl, thinking of her, worrying about her condition or pumping milk that was supposed to be for her. And then, so quick that was gone and I was saying goodbye and burying my Cali girl. 2 months. How a life can change so much in such a small amount of time. Because of all this I have a broken heart; The most broken I have ever felt. In fact I had never known just how a heart could really break. Into a million tiny pieces that seem impossible to be able to be put back together the right away ever again. But because of the events that first broke my heart, it is now being put back together, slowly, but beautifully. Because of Cali I love more. Because of Cali I believe more. Because of Cali I have more faith in my God, in His ability to take these tiny pieces and to make a more beautiful, finished, solid heart than I had before, a heart closer to His. Because of Cali I am going to be a better person. Because she loved me, because she chose me. Because she is mine and will always be mine. Because He gave me this. Because He gave me Cali. Because He trusts me with her, and because I know these things, my heart will be whole again. And better than I ever was before Cali.

7 comments:

Lindsey said...

That is so beautiful.

shay said...

i can't even handle how beautiful your words are. you write your thoughts so well. and i'm so happy that you are feeling the healing and understanding the eternity of it all. we love you three!

Kyle and Alli said...

I was thinking about you guys tonight and wondering how you were holding up. All of the milestones in life that mark the passage of time are reminders of those we have both here with us and beyond in the next life. Just know that I was thinking and prayed for you three today.

Alli

One Happy Heart Family said...

You have such a way with words. They are beautiful! I am so glad you have such faith, I would be lying if I said I know how you feel, but I really wish I could help mend your broken heart. You are so strong! You give me such strength to believe! Thank You!
Chrissie
Kylie's mommy

Teresa @ Grammy Girlfriend said...

What a beautiful post....

Stan and Jenn Nicolaysen said...

I love reading your blog. It is so uplifting with your courage and hope. I read it alot before bed. it reminds me of what's important in life and your little ray of hope inspires me. Thanks!

arae said...

My heart is broken too, and I think your words broke it just a little more...In a good way, though.