Thursday, September 24, 2009

So long 25...

Well, it's official, as Thomas announced yesterday I am now 26. I usually LOVE birthdays, and last year's was one of the best (read post about it here). Well, this year Thomas had quite the challenge, you see because I love birthdays so much I had been dreaming about having a little family "party" with Thomas and Cali for months before she was born. A birthday party complete with birthday hats. She would have looked so cute wearing a birthday hat. Well, we all know that a birthday party just like that wasn't going to happen yesterday. My birthday was the first occasion (with many more to come) where I had a plan in mind about how it would be and had to accept that it couldn't be that way. It was hard. But, Thomas being the amazing man that he is planned a day that kept us busy without being overly celebratory. I woke up to donuts and chocolate milk for breakfast (that's really going to help me lose the last 10 lbs eh? :) Then we had a lovely couples massage! We both needed to be worked on as we have experienced a lot of stress lately! Then we had lunch at Thanksgiving Point and walked around the gardens. It was great!

Oh, a side note on the generosity and kindness of others. Thomas' mom, Julie, sent an email to someone at Thanksgiving Point Gardens and told them about our situation with losing Cali. She expressed to them that she thought it would be therapeutic for us to go walk around the beautiful flowers for an afternoon. Well Tracey responded and gave us an annual pass to the garden. When we met him there he was so kind. He expressed that he was sorry for our loss and hoped that we would come to the gardens and enjoy the beauty and hold hands. It was quite sweet.

This week has been pretty slow. My mum flew home Tuesday morning and I've done a lot of sleeping since then. I'm trying to get through this stage as quickly as possible, but some days I would just rather be inside and in bed. I think the events of the last 2.5 weeks has finally caught up with me and I am just tired. Sometimes I just lay in bed thinking, wishing that it was all a bad dream, that I'm still pregnant and everything will turn out different. When I come back to reality after these moments, it's hard. I don't want to believe it. I don't want to feel as empty as I do in those moments. I miss her, I 'd take her any way I could get her...being pregnant again, being in the hospital again, anything. But, I can't. I don't know if I'll ever truly understand "why" but I know that that's not the important part anyways, the important part is "what now" Now that this has happened what do I do? Do I turn to my faith, and my family to get through? Do I get mad or do I believe God? Do I fall apart and ask "why me" over and over or do I say a prayer to ask for strength and thank God that I got to have Cali with me here for as long as I did? I know the answers, now I'm just trying to live them. But I can tell you this, I am so grateful for the time I did get to spend with Cali. I am so grateful that I know she is safe and happy and that God has a plan for her, for me, and for Thomas too. And I am grateful for my savior, Jesus Christ who makes all things possible, and who I lean on daily to get through this very difficult time. Even at this time in my life I can't deny all the great blessings that I have.


Melissa said...

I am so glad that you were able to have a good birthday. Those massages sound like the best thing ever! And honey, if you only have 10lbs to rock!
As for the rest of it, take it one day at a time. It's ok to stay in bed all day. It's ok to be confused. Your life has been drastically altered, and like you said, you have to find a new plan, new expectations. You will make all they decisions that are right for you!

Here's to being 26!

michelle said...

Hey love,
I think it's okay to be completely heart-broken and to wonder why and to be a little mad. You are only human. "Blessed are they that mourn..." I don't even necessarily think that God thought, I am going to give this unbelievable hardship to Adrienne. I think we live in an imperfect world where premature death happens and disease happens and things go wrong...and Heavenly Father is there to comfort us through the pain that is inevitable to life on Earth. Anyway, I hope that all made sense. I think you are amazing.

Stan and Jenn Nicolaysen said...

I am glad to hear that you were able to enjoy your Birthday the best you could. Happy Birthday this year, and I hope in years to come they become a bit happier.

Sarah Garner said...

Hi Adrienne,

I hope I'm not intruding, but I saw a comment you made on Jen Holt's blog. I grew up with Jen, she is an amazing girl.

Your daughter is beautiful! I too have an angel baby. My daughter Savannah was stillborn at 35 weeks last year. My heart goes out to you. Although our situations are so different, I can relate to a lot of the feelings you've described.

I set up a blog with a link list to other angel mommies. They have all been a huge inspiration and support to me. Here is the address:
It's brought me a lot of comfort to read their words and realize I'm not alone. If you are ever interested in having your blog added to the list email me and I'd be happy to add you!

Your little family will be in my prayers!

The Tuckers said...


I was so touched this morning as I read your blog, felt your sadness, your faith, and your desires. You are such a strength for all of us. You are amazing, and so is Thomas! I said a pray for you both, and I know that our Father in Heaven will bless you each day and in every way.

Lots of love,
Laura Brooks