Well, it's official, as Thomas announced yesterday I am now 26. I usually LOVE birthdays, and last year's was one of the best (read post about it here). Well, this year Thomas had quite the challenge, you see because I love birthdays so much I had been dreaming about having a little family "party" with Thomas and Cali for months before she was born. A birthday party complete with birthday hats. She would have looked so cute wearing a birthday hat. Well, we all know that a birthday party just like that wasn't going to happen yesterday. My birthday was the first occasion (with many more to come) where I had a plan in mind about how it would be and had to accept that it couldn't be that way. It was hard. But, Thomas being the amazing man that he is planned a day that kept us busy without being overly celebratory. I woke up to donuts and chocolate milk for breakfast (that's really going to help me lose the last 10 lbs eh? :) Then we had a lovely couples massage! We both needed to be worked on as we have experienced a lot of stress lately! Then we had lunch at Thanksgiving Point and walked around the gardens. It was great!
Oh, a side note on the generosity and kindness of others. Thomas' mom, Julie, sent an email to someone at Thanksgiving Point Gardens and told them about our situation with losing Cali. She expressed to them that she thought it would be therapeutic for us to go walk around the beautiful flowers for an afternoon. Well Tracey responded and gave us an annual pass to the garden. When we met him there he was so kind. He expressed that he was sorry for our loss and hoped that we would come to the gardens and enjoy the beauty and hold hands. It was quite sweet.
This week has been pretty slow. My mum flew home Tuesday morning and I've done a lot of sleeping since then. I'm trying to get through this stage as quickly as possible, but some days I would just rather be inside and in bed. I think the events of the last 2.5 weeks has finally caught up with me and I am just tired. Sometimes I just lay in bed thinking, wishing that it was all a bad dream, that I'm still pregnant and everything will turn out different. When I come back to reality after these moments, it's hard. I don't want to believe it. I don't want to feel as empty as I do in those moments. I miss her, I 'd take her any way I could get her...being pregnant again, being in the hospital again, anything. But, I can't. I don't know if I'll ever truly understand "why" but I know that that's not the important part anyways, the important part is "what now" Now that this has happened what do I do? Do I turn to my faith, and my family to get through? Do I get mad or do I believe God? Do I fall apart and ask "why me" over and over or do I say a prayer to ask for strength and thank God that I got to have Cali with me here for as long as I did? I know the answers, now I'm just trying to live them. But I can tell you this, I am so grateful for the time I did get to spend with Cali. I am so grateful that I know she is safe and happy and that God has a plan for her, for me, and for Thomas too. And I am grateful for my savior, Jesus Christ who makes all things possible, and who I lean on daily to get through this very difficult time. Even at this time in my life I can't deny all the great blessings that I have.